There are so many things…

…that I didn’t know a few years ago and so many things I fucked up because I was too stupid to know what was really good for me and this terrifies me to death because I am just wondering what I’ll know a few years in the future that I am not yet aware of and what I am currently ruining because I do not have this knowledge. 

To sum up: I messed everything up and I am continuing to mess everything up and I keep trying to not but I keep doing it anyway and I regret like 90% of my decisions. Bye.

I really want to make one of those “101 things in 1001 days” lists…

but my list would be like

1. Have Oprah interview me at my Italian villa

2. Win the Nobel Prize for saving the lives of over one million dogs

3. Set record for most sex scenes with Johnny Depp in one movie

4. Star in a series called “The Boys Next Door” in which I select dozens of perfect looking men to hang out at my mansion and choose 3 of them to be at my beck and call as my boyfriends

…….. Also, who can think of 101 things they can actually do? I can’t even think of everything I have to get done tomorrow, which is technically today. I’m already behind. As Ross Gellar says, my life is an embarrassment and I should just go live under someone’s stairs. Maybe I could make a list of like 50 things as long as I made a rule that none of them can have anything to do with my career. Because I’ll just start sobbing 1/4th way through the list and relocate to my bed and not know what year it is by the time I come out. I’m a mess. Bye.

i love when

you are talking to someone you don’t really know and they have an opinion about something that is EXACTLY the same as yours but isn’t that common, and as they are speaking you are like YES YES YEYSHSYESEXACTLYOMG and you don’t even know how to explain how much you agree with this person and you have a new faith in humanity and think it is less likely you will die alone because some people are not terrible.

Desperate Housewives.

OK I know I posted a long post about the finale yesterday but I just keep thinking about Tom and Lynette and ALL THE FEELS and it just makes me so emotional and even though I don’t want a relationship/boyfriend at this point in my life I really hope when I’m older I can find someone who can like not only tolerate me but someone I can have a great relationship with that lasts through all the kids and years and jobs and lives. Cause as Roy said, when it’s over… it’s over, and at the very end I’d really like someone like Tom by my side.

Today was a fucking hard and crazy day and idek how I’m feeling except tired, but oh man. ALL THE FUCKING FEELINGS. YIKES

and omg. I’m still mad about the whole “AND THEY NEVER SAW EACH OTHER AGAIN. BYE!” ending but Lynette and Tom and Karen stepping up for Bree and the girls was just so beautiful and I can’t wait to marathon the show. SOMUCH QUALITY. If you’ve never seen it you should do the same cause it’s such a great show and I AM EMOTIONAL OMG. ok bye

I was going to do the “Advice I would give myself 10 years ago” meme…

I keep seeing people do this meme and I think it’s not really that great to like look back and feel bad about things and want to tell your younger self how to avoid them. I mean if anything it would just make me feel worse so I’m not going to do it. I came home around midnight and suddenly felt so tired so I was like “Yay, maybe my insomnia is subsiding!” cause I NEVER go to bed as early as midnight, even if I have to get up super early, which most of the time I do. anyway, as soon as my head hit the pillow obviously my fatigue disappeared and I started obsessing and hating everything. God, I want to escape to Disney so fucking bad but I know I wouldn’t even be able to let go and relax. Not even there. Not even in the place I can ALWAYS count on to turn my worries and problems to dust. They’re too deep right now. They’re like prominent lines on my face that can no longer be filled with botox. I need the full on face lift this time. I need to be put under and completely revitalized. If I went right now I wouldn’t even see it as a vacation because I would not be able to relax in any way. I would be worried to death about my life and think that I was wasting time not working on myself. I don’t know what on earth I’m going through right now but it’s bizarre. I keep having all these realizations, most of them terrible, a few of them actually nice. I just hope I feel some relief soon from my constant anxiety. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like Clementine in Eternal Sunshine when she starts ranting about how her skin is coming off and nothing makes any sense to her. Maybe I should dye my hair blue.

List of things I do at 5am

-Obsess over/analyze everything that happened the day before

-Think about Titanic and cry while the theme plays in my head

-Develop chest pain over how nervous I am in anticipation of future events Halp

You are not going to lose weight.

I hate when people say they are going to start their diets tomorrow. People of the world, go on your diet now. Because you wont start it tomorrow, or Monday. just do it now. I don’t care that you had pancakes and bacon covered in syrup for breakfast. Have a quinoa salad for dinner. There. Diet started.

Also. I hate when someone eats something unhealthy and then reasons that they have already blown it for the day so they may as well have pizza and ice cream too. Why are people so dumb? Let me ask you something: If two people were shot… one of them just once, and the other one four times, would you say that’s the same thing? Sheesh.

I hate when people ask me how I lost weight and when I tell them I just got off my ass and stopped eating shit all the time they are almost always disappointed. Do you expect me to tell you that I met a magical unicorn who’s blood I drank to never have to diet or work out again followed by where you can find such a creature? Bitch please.

Don’t pig out all weekend and start on Monday, unless you think it makes sense to start a race from 50 yards behind the starting line.

ACK life though

I had no idea what I was doing and I made so many mistakes. I did so many things I wish I could take back and change.

Things are finally starting to go well and I don’t feel… right? What is right, though? How am I supposed to feel? I’m not focusing on the good. I’m focusing on only what is missing. That is so unhealthy.

May and June are shaping up to be some very busy and exciting months. Most likely, many things will be different two months from now. VERY different. I have only a vague idea of where things are going. It all depends on me and how much I make of it. I can let my fear and insecurity take over and simply go through the motions or I can work my ass off, let go, and enjoy the moment. I know I’m right on the edge of it but I just can’t get over.

I constantly have this terrible frustrated feeling, like when a name is on the tip of your tongue, it’s there, but you just can’t get it out. Or like when I go downstairs with the intention of doing a specific thing and by the time I get down there I have completely forgotten, and I know what I need is right in my brain and I frantically search around for the answer and it’s almost painful because IT IS RIGHT THERE BUT I CAN NOT GET TO IT.

Judas kiss me if offenced

I just had a dream about you. To whoever controls dreams- Hey asshole, that was mean. All it takes is one dream to make me feel like you’re the most wonderful person, I totally love you, and I want you in my life. IN REALITY, I know those things are not true but that doesn’t change how I feel right now and it’s awful. How I feel right now is what I make a point to constantly avoid. Annnnnnd now I’m in a “fuck everything” mood.

It doesn’t really matter that the person who’s been on my mind lately is better than you are, especially bc he’s even less attainable. I just can’t stop torturing myself. It’s like I have a monthly quota.

Whatever. It was just a dream.