I mostly don’t care about how horrible my body looks naked and in 90% of clothing because my god aren’t there enough things to worry about in this life outside of the ridiculous “i don’t look like a victoria’s secret model” train? Every single thing in this beautiful and brutal universe is constantly running and I am going to have chest pain over what my body looks like, which absolutely does not matter in the grand scheme of it all, or even today, really. But every once in awhile i’m like fuck. Because I do wish it looked better, in the same way that I wish I was rich. It’s like, I know it wouldn’t bring me endless euphoria, but I would prefer to have lots of money instead of this merciless stress that comes with not having very much. I also envy tall, naturally thin girls with no cellulite (?!) because I can not fathom that for one second in the same way that I can not imagine being born into wealth. How differently one’s mind must think when born with such riches. Really. I didn’t grow up in a slum, either, I am ridiculously fortunate but I’m not a Hilton sister and that can be annoying. I also have to say I hate when people are like ~ignore society’s expectations of women to have hot bodies~ and ~love your body, all shapes and sizes are beautiful~ because it’s like, no. Sorry. Cellulite does not look good. I do not think this because the media has brainwashed me, I think this because I have been on the beach and seen cellulite-free asses and thighs walking next to cellulite-filled asses and thighs, and I prefer the ones that lack cellulite. If you don’t, good for you. If you enjoy your cellulite or are at least comfortable with it, you rock. I think mine looks bad. It’s more about myself. I don’t even care what people think, except I *have to* care what people think because people book me for jobs. I could not get hired for anything requiring me to wear a swimsuit, of that I am sure, unless it was like a “Love your body no matter what” campaign, and that makes me sad.
I’m fat and poor is my point. And it doesn’t matter. But every once in awhile, it really does. And then I wake up, but that instant, that pang of “this is not good enough” can really wear on you throughout the years, you know?
Because I refuse to talk to you.
I love you, but I love me more. Ah, the immortal words of Samantha Jones. She really had the right fucking idea.
I have too much respect for myself to be around you. As much as I would like to, I know you’re bad for me. As much as I would like to indulge in this, I know it is only going to end badly. Because I’ve done it a couple times now and it has broken my heart.
I actually think being heartbroken is underrated. You have to go through it because you LEARN from it. And I’ve learned too much to put myself back in this situation.
It’s not that I don’t love you or don’t want to be with you. I do love you and part of me does want to be with you. But I don’t think it’s the right thing for either of us. Part of me wants to have a conversation with you in which I SHOWER you with love because I want you to know that YOU ARE LOVED. You are loved, not just by me, and you deserve lots of love. I want you to *know* that and understand that just because I don’t think we should be together does not mean I think you do not deserve love. You absolutely do. I just don’t think I should be the one.
There is no way for this to work out. Trust me. I have spent a giant amount of the past year and a half thinking about it. I have exhausted every possibility. It is not to be.
I would never say never because I know how things can change and I know you are going to put me in situations where it is going to be extremely hard for me to say no. However, I can not see a day where I wouldn’t feel like I was sacrificing a part of myself in order to be with you.
I have to look out for myself. I am 23 years old. I have my entire life ahead of me to be in a relationship and deal with those complications. I see friends of mine getting dragged down by their significant others and I can not let that happen to me. I can not be with someone until I feel like they are going to truly be a positive thing in my life. I’m not saying I’m waiting for the perfect man or relationship, but it just has to feel different than this. As much as I love you, there are so many bad feelings too and they eat away at me. I refuse to have anything eat away at me. My well being is too important. You changed me. I am even rougher around the edges now. I don’t like that. I don’t want you to make me more rough. I don’t want to feel the way I do. There was a moment in time where it was perfect and it went off track and too much damage was done. It can’t be erased.
It doesn’t matter what happens, how long we go without talking, where you are, what you do, who you’re with. I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU. That’s it. You’re just a part of me. As I’ve gone through life I have found that certain things and people attach themselves to me and I carry them along forever.
We can’t be friends either. I’m sorry. If Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind I would have been at Lacuna Inc getting you erased months ago. It all hurts too much and I have enough that hurts me. Just that you HAPPENED hurts me. It’s not even your fault really. It’s the way the chips fell. Timing is everything and it was not on our side. Part of me doesn’t want you to, but deep down I know you need to stop trying. You have to let me go. PLEASE.
i have such good taste, i whisper to myself as i browse my own blog
I LOVOOOOOVEEEE YOUUUUUUUUUUUU and i miss you SO MUCH, words could never even describe, but don’t you dare ever talk to me again. please.
I won’t sleep tonight #bandito #blonde #girl #selfie
I wish I could just accept that it’s never going to happen, but I can’t. And I kind of like that about myself. My mind will still wander and I will still believe. I don’t understand how I can be such a realist and often a pessimist and also have this side of me that believes anything is possible and that I can somehow get to my dreams. I guess what I’ve learned the past few years is that you can’t categorize yourself in any way, shape, or form. As much as you think you know yourself, we all have different sides and you may find a personality inside of you that you didn’t know you had. It doesn’t mean you were something before and now you’re something different, it just means you have many different aspects to who you are. I DON’T EVEN KNOW. I don’t know how to say things so I’ll just post lyrics because I’d rather talk through Hanson any day of the week.
If I give in to reason
Then I’d stop believing and just move on
I can’t move on
So, we’re back on the rocks
Been here before, will it ever stop?
I’ve tried to change
We’re gonna fight so we can make it right
~Hanson, On the Rocks
this was one of the best fucking things ever. you have no idea. i feel like i was dead and someone just jolted me back to life. i plan on writing a more in depth post about the iheartradio show tonight but for now this is what i just posted on facebook:
life is so ugh
i’m about to turn 23 it’s really disgusting i hate it
i want to be a fucking sloth instead
I do because I think it’s human nature to do so, not because I’m truly trying to figure out the answer. So many people find a huge sense of relief when they think they have figured out why something happened to them - “I got fired from that job because a better one was out there waiting for me!” Well no, you got fired from the job for a specific reason and you got a better job because you got out there, applied, had a good resume, and gave a great interview. You also could have done all those things, though, and not gotten a better job. Easily. Millions of people are struggling with that very problem. So why is it you, special snowflake, that got the magical occurrence of “I lost that job so I could get that better one”? The answer is, you didn’t. It just happened. I think it’s much more comforting to realize that there are no answers. Things just happen, which can seem scary but it’s also great because that means that anything can happen to you, no matter what has happened to you before. You have to give up the control and just do the best you can, and hope that the thing you want to happen, does. And if it doesn’t, you just have to keep trying and stop thinking “WHY ME, why must I be miserable, why can’t I get what I want?” There is no order to these things. There are people who are absolutely great people and die of cancer at 30 and there are serial killers who live a life of freedom and die without ever having paid for their crimes. I’m not at all denying the existence of a God - I believe in God - but I think once you accept that about life, that there is no one keeping score and trying to make things fair for everyone, you’ll be a lot better off. And you’ll get less angry when that awful thing does happen to you because you’ll know no one is doing it TO you. It’s not personal. It’s life, it’s the way of things. Look around you, you will find good AND bad in your life. We all have both. No matter how great someone’s life may look to you, from the outside, I promise you it’s rough on every single one of us. No one gets off easy, and no one will get out alive. Wondering why something happened to you is like wondering why the sky is blue. It just is. That’s the color of the sky. Let’s move on.
Not to sound more like 14 year old me than 22 year old me but I am so mad that you happened to me. I am so angry about it still. Of course, you are not the only thing I am angry about. I have so much anger inside of me all the time because of the state of the world and my life and our government and racism, sexism, homophobia, you name it… I am constantly furious, and I think that if you aren’t you’re living in a fucking bubble and you should really wake up. It is harder for me to enjoy myself these days no matter the circumstance. It’s like something huge has to happen in order to jolt me back to life. It’s really not even worth going out anymore unless I am doing something AMAZING like seeing a favorite band. I am so tired of everything, I am so over all of it, I can’t even describe how much I want to live in a new place and have new friends (but keep the old of course - thank God for the few good friends I have) and a new job and a new dream and a new path. NEWNEWNENENENENNEW.
The problem with you is that you infuriate me in a specific way that makes my bones hurt, like they need to be replaced immediately with new bones that never met you and will never meet you, thank God. I mean, before I met you, I had already had it, but I feel like you did me in even more than I thought I could be. I think that in the past I have reasoned certain bad experiences that I’ve gone through by remembering I learned something from them. With you I do not feel I learned anything. It was just for nothing. It was senseless. Past experiences may have hurt me but I learned and grew from it. Not the case with you. I feel what happened with you made me worse for the wear. Permanent damage. I’m a broken mirror that someone has glued back together because they are too lazy to buy another mirror. Everyone can see the cracks, though.
I think it bothers me so much because I constantly feel like there’s just no rhyme or reason to anything in the universe. I used to believe so strongly that so many things were connected and that there were signs and maybe not everything happened for a reason but there was still some string connecting the events of your life together in a particular way. I don’t believe in any of this anymore. Too many things just fucking happen. Too many times I have thought something was the universe trying to push me in a direction or tell me something and I turned out to be so wrong - too many times I thought something was a sign because it was FAR too big of a coincidence and it just had to mean something because there was no other explanation omg! Nope. It wasn’t a sign. I was wrong.
I believe in God because of one extremely significant experience I went through years ago that proved to me there is a God. I’m very thankful for that because these days I’m all about the facts and if it weren’t for that experience, I definitely wouldn’t have anyone to pray to. But I don’t really believe God watches over us and protects us and all of that. I think he’s more like most animals: they give birth to their young and peace out. We’re all on our own.
According to my dad I’m “Good in a lot of ways but bad in some ways so you just take it as it comes.” Honestly the nicest thing he has said about me during my entire adult life. I am quite flattered.
I need to learn how to stop overthinking things.
My brain goes from “I’m going to do ______ and it will be great” to “HOLY SHIT THIS IS THE WORST AND IT IS PROBABLY GOING TO KILL ME” in like 3.8 seconds.
It’s like my mind is WebMD. Everything comes up cancer.
I do this too, of course. I can’t imagine a life in which I don’t do this! And it makes me feel really crazy, because it’s like I never know what my stance is on something I want to do. I don’t get how I could have such strong opinions on other things but when it comes to “I should do that - NO I SHOULDN’T - YES I SHOULD - I HAVE to do it…” wake up the next morning…”I can’t believe I was going to do that - YES I CAN - NO I CAN’T - WELL I SHOULD DO IT BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN I’LL BE ABLE TO - NAH IT’S A WASTE OF TIME - BUT I REALLY SHOULD DO IT….”
OH MY GOD. Tonight I saw AMERICAN IDIOT for the first time in 2 years and it was FUCKING AMAZING AND UNREAL. This musical just means so much to me and I feel like every time I see it I just appreciate it more and more and it’s so fucking relevant to my life, like even more now than it was 2 years ago and I am just speechless only not b/c I’m obviously about to write about it… no words can describe it accurately but whatever. It was incredible timing too cause I have been FULL OF rage lately. It is truly an interesting coincidence, especially because last night something absolutely awful and completely jarring happened to me — like earth shakingly jarring - and this was the PERFECT form of therapy. All music I love and shows I love are therapy, but for the specific thing that happened, and what I was feeling, and what I’ve been feeling lately… let’s just say it was all very relevant and I am so happy that I got to have a little bit of release seeing this unbelievable show again.
I can’t even. Like. I saw it a few times when it was on Broadway and I’m a fan of a lot of the OG cast (especially Johnny Gallagher) and I got to see it when Billie Joe was playing St. Jimmy which nothing could ever compare to… (though Tony Vincent also ROCKED)…….. so I thought it would be so weird to see a new cast perform it, and it WAS, but it didn’t matter. I LOVED THIS CAST TOO. The guy who played Johnny, ALEX NEE, was fantastic. He was my favorite. He just captured the role in a way I thought only Johnny Gallagher could. I mean, I’m always going to prefer the original cast because that’s like home to me, but for me to even say Alex compares to that just shows how incredible he really is in the show. ST. JIMMY was fucking awesome too. I was surprised that he was of Indian descent b/c there is so much discrimination in casting. Of course American Idiot wouldn’t be like that though, because they refuse to conform to the absurd show business standards and I FUCKING LOVE THEM SO MUCH FOR THAT. they definitely chose the right guy because he had SO much energy, his voice rocked, overall he was just a killer ST. JIMMY. I am so happy, I don’t even. i can’t. I could go on and on about how unreal it was but I don’t even know what to say anymore. I really hope I get to see it again before it goes off tour. I just hope it tours for years and there are broadway revivals because I fucking neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed it.
rage and love and rage and love and rage and love and rage and love and rage and love and rage and love and rage and love and rage and love and rage and love and rage and love,
Your favorite musical SUCKS! AMERICAN IDIOT RULES!!! Fuck me Hard!!!! xXXXXXXXXXXxxXXXxxxxx ST. CAPRIA
How hard is it for people to accept that there are others out there who don’t like what you like? God forbid I don’t go with the norm of society when it comes to half the stuff out there. For fucks sake!!