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It was just a nightmare you never recover from. You’re watching this thing go down, and you have no arms, no legs, no tongue; you’re just an amoeba. There’s nothing you can do”

Johnny Depp on the death of River Phoenix (2003)

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"Nate was a guy who was running from his own mortality from day one.  It’s tragic because he never was able to get past his own shit to sort of be fully alive. Whereas Claire could do that. The fact that she saw him in the rearview mirror — it’s in the past, it’s behind her. He’s still running. He’s in the same running outfit he wore in the pilot.” - Alan Ball

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leo is chasing after that jack nicholson aesthetic like his life depends on it

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If/Then stage pictures by Joan Marcus (x)

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It felt good to get stuff off my chest yesterday so I guess now I’m going to start writing in here about my acting “career”???

Today I had a Skype interview/audition for a show on this water park in New Jersey that I grew up right near. I LOVE Skype auditions because I don’t have to put on pants, which is perfect. Also, I sometimes fuck up in an audition room just for no reason, like I literally have no idea why. It’s not stage fright because I can do something perfect in exactly two places: 1. alone in my room or 2. on stage/in front of an audience. The audition room is so bleak though, it trips me up. I’m really happy that Skype and self-taped auditions are a thing now because this might really help me. 

Casting said they were going to record the Skype session and edit a clip package together to send to the network. What was cool about this is that it seemed like the casting directors were really behind me, which was an AWESOME feeling. In show business it’s always about trying to prove to someone you are good enough to do what they need and make them money. It’s so awful 99% of the time but today was the 1%. I just played an over the top, bubbly version of myself (this is what they asked for) and tried to make the water park sound like the best place in the world, like I was really excited about it. Basically, I was Stacey from the Disney Must-Dos (Gina called me Lia J. Aswad which REALLY made me laugh). I don’t want to play myself, do any reality TV, or host for a living, but I just submit myself for (almost) anything because at my level you just have to try and see whatever works so you can have more on-camera experience and meet more people, etc. Like, at least it’s TV. It’s in the realm of what I want to do. We’ll see what happens. It’s nice being in the running for something I don’t DESPERATELY want. Usually this part is AGONIZING. I mean, I do want to do it and I need the footage, but it’s not like it’s my dream part. I’ve come close to amazing things happening in the past and it kills when you are right there and it doesn’t happen. This is more casual and couldn’t be easier for me, so I feel calm about it.

I’m still kind of bummed about that agent meeting from yesterday though. The good thing (and I kind of can’t believe this) is that every time I have a bad experience, it doesn’t deter me, it fires me up. Like, I had the woooorst audition about a month ago. I actually cried after it, but right away I was on my phone checking to see when the next audition was so I could put myself through hell yet again! It’s unreal that I haven’t given up yet. I don’t know why. I don’t know what I’m doing. 

On Tuesday (and maybe Thursday, I haven’t decided yet) I’m doing background for a new series. I don’t really want to do this one but whatever. You just never know with background. Sometimes it is the raddest thing (besides having an actual part, of course) and it’s a huge blast and we just sit around laughing about how we are getting paid to hang out and be a fly on the wall watching movie/tv magic happen, and sometimes I am like “Why am I alive?” so yeah. Although I have to say, even though I got sick shooting The Leftovers, the last few jobs I did for background were really fun. I usually meet the coolest people who I stay friends with. Now that I think of it, I’ve really only had one super-awful experience and I was still happy to be there because it was an awesome show (Bored to Death on HBO) and I got to hang out with Ted Danson, so that was obviously cool. 

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acting acting acting

The casting director I met with last week was really chill and low key, a nice person. A NICE person, not showbiz-nice, but real nice. She is British and a bit older and made the joke that she’s been casting for 100 years. She said she mainly casts indie movies, commercials, and music videos. Indie films are at the top of my list as far as what I’d want to work on so I was excited. There were not a lot of other actors there to meet her and there was no one else of my “type”. No one there looked like me, which was a good sign.

I was happy because I had to do a scene with a reader. I MUCH prefer this to monologues. I didn’t know the scene inside and out, I should have worked on it more. But it was like a minute long or something and wasn’t super deep. I liked it though, it was a fun scene. After I was done we chatted about my resume and she told me I had a good voice. She talked to me a lot and it was very casual and normal, not showbiz-y at all. I asked her for advice and she told me to keep self-submitting online, especially through Actor’s Access. She asked me if I had anyone sending me out at the moment, which I saw as a good sign because if she was interested in who, if anyone, is my agent, then she would maybe be interested in casting me in something. If I was terrible I doubt she would even care to ask. Overall I’d say it was a good, not great, meeting. It’s been a week and she hasn’t called me or anything, she probably won’t, but the fact that it wasn’t horrible after not having done this in awhile was a good thing.

Today I met with an agent. She was really, really funny and talked about Orange is the New Black + the new shows Tina Fey & Amy Poehler are producing, which made my soul jump out of my body and cry hysterically, because if there is anyone in this world I would want to be like it’s Tina Fey, and Amy’s right behind her. It practically made me ache that I was sitting in a room with someone who had the power to submit me for such projects. I absolutely hate the stakes, I hate the pressure. It turns me into someone I’m not.

For her I had to do a monologue. I dropped a couple lines but overall I thought I did well. Have I done it better? Yes. But it was pretty good. She had nothing nice to say to me though, which sucked so much because she is the kind of agent I would looove to have. She did say that it was “a really funny piece”. Translation: “You picked a good monologue but you didn’t do it correctly.” She said I need to focus more on talking to one person. This always confuses me because some agents/casting directors like you to look right at them and perform TO them and some of them hate that, and there’s no way to tell, so I was looking kind of like I was speaking to an audience of a few people. I can see how that was wrong and I appreciated her advice. It was just one of those things I did in the moment without thinking. In the future I will picture someone in my mind and talk straight to them. I guess it really bothered her because she just kept elaborating on that and didn’t care to tell me anything else. It was so weird. I was like okay, I get it, I will focus on one person… what else? I wanted more advice. So when she was done going on about the focusing on one person thing she was like “Thank you,” as in “BYE.” But I was like girl hold up. So I asked her if she had any more advice for me and she said “Trust the words” which I GUESS means that I wasn’t confident enough? I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. It was awful cause we had some more time and I wish she had been even slightly interested in me to ask a couple questions but she wasn’t. GAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH.

I booked a show for Monday and Tuesday that was gonna shoot in Long Island. I love shooting out there but we had to bring wardrobe & it was super preppy items I certainly do not have, so I wasn’t that into it. Turns out one of the stars backed out and the whole shoot is canceled on those days til further notice. -__-  At least it was just a gig working as an extra, not a big deal. Nothing’s ever going to top being on Marty’s set anyway. I think about that all the time.

I got an e-mail to be a commentator on some show about relationships. Basically I would be playing myself and sharing my opinions and experiences with love. Since I have to work and it was non-paying I decided not to do it because I can’t really skip work to do something non-paying unless it’s something really good, and I don’t even know if this relationship thing would air on TV, I think it might have been a web thing cause usually they write “Dating Show for MTV” or something along those lines when it’s TV.

I got a call to host this episode of a travel TV show that, shockingly, takes place at the waterpark in the town I grew up in. My mind was blown when they told me that on the phone. I have a Skype interview for it tomorrow and I totally want to back out because even though they didn’t say anything about it, I’m 90% sure I’m gonna be in a swimsuit on TV which is NOT GOOD. This is also non-paying, but I don’t care because I’d basically get to be like Stacey from the Disney World Must-Dos, and it would be so fun. PLUS IT WOULD BE AN ENTIRE EPISODE ON TV STARRING ME. Just as myself, I mean I want to act, but still that’s pretty exciting. If they ask me to send swimsuit pics though, I am so out. We’ll see what happens. The casting director told me to be “really personable” during my interview. Okay dude. I’m just gonna be myself and if they don’t like it, I don’t care. This isn’t what I wanna really do so I am not gonna agonize over this part.

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by Carlos Serrao